It's all a plot by Santa Claus! Him and his sidekick Black Peter and his sleigh drawn by the eight tiny reindeer, yes yes! Only I'm going to be calling him "Sinterklaas", because that sounds more steampunk. (What!? Is this supposed to be a steampunk novel? And "sounds more steampunk", my ass.) At any rate, Sinterklass is the secret Hierarch of the Church of Earthly Desire (obviously that's why he goes around handing out toys and money!). He was a saint (in this setting, saints are those who work miracles on behalf of mortals), took part in the Shattering, and became a prophet when that failed (prophets being those who work miracles on behalf of the gods). But he's a double agent! Ha ha! And soon his plan will come to fruition in the Cathedral of the Incarnation, and he will be revealed as a fallen prophet! Mwah ha ha ha ha!
See? It all makes sense! Er...honestly. It does!
So where do my other characters come into it all?
- The Sweeper Street sweeper or chimney sweep, one of those things. Hermaphroditic demon (though she thinks of herself as a woman) haunted by the ghost of the prophet who bound her to serve the cause of the gods (or some of them, anyway.) She is haz tentacles of teh sexay! Just because they're used as super-long phallic extensions (sex with 15' reach!) doesn't mean girls can't use them! Hrmph! The ghost is suspicious of Santa. So they happen to be at the Cathedral on the critical night.
- The New Mary Culmination of Santa's secret breeding project. She's supposed to get impregnated by a god and give Santa control of a divine infant. Why? Because who doesn't want to have a divine infant to control? Eh? Eh? (Miracles! More and better miracles! He will save the earth! Be able to make everyone happy! It's his duty as Santa Claus!) Except of course that the Sweeper interferes at the critical moment and kidnaps the Mary. Wacky antics ensue! And lots of sex. Wasn't this supposed to be my attempt at erotica, dammit? Geez I suck at it.
- The Bishop The dude officially in charge at the Cathedral. It's his head on the chopping board now, so he's gotta get the Mary back, whatever it takes. And restore her virginity in some gruesome ritual or other, probably.
- The Reverend Mother The woman who raised the Mary. A bit of a cipher at the moment. I'll have to think about this.
- Santa's army! So, you don't think he handed out all those toys with no strings attached, did you? Hmm? Beware the children!
Ok, yeah, I'm starting a week late. Better get writing...